Clarity

Listening to songs sometimes make me ponder and wonder if only life can be carried out so easily like the song lyrics.. Some songs talk about empowerment some about love some even about sorrow but how many of the songs are applicable? I've been through a roller coaster of emotions and songs do help lift spirits up but they don't always work..

Yesterday I finally had a talk about an issue that has been on my mind a long time.. It was clarified and even though it was not what I liked but I was thankful that things didn't go downhill.. I can't blame anyone but myself.. I was the fool to take things lightly and to not be serious when the time called for it.. Now I'm trying to make amends and hope that one day it will pay off.. I've got faith in this..

Like they say in the song.. If our love is insanity why are you my clarity..

Mid Autumn Festival

Happy Mid Autumn Festival everyone!! We don't have 4 seasons here but it's a celebration that everyone is eager to celebrate especially Chinese people.. Mooncakes,pomelos,tea,lanterns and candles appear in most of the places that people are celebrating the festival.. However in my family it is just another day no different than any other plain,boring and dull day. Mum is in the hall watching series, bro and sister doing their own thing and I'm alone in my room doing things like this. People always say things will be better or "you'll overcome it,you always do" or "this is not the worse" but do they actually know what is happening? No.. You don't because you've not lived my life for the past 20 years and you don't have my family.. I know the concern is there but telling that it will be ok will not work.

I smile,laugh,make stupid jokes and even join events just to fill up my time and take my mind off things that are hurtful to me. Like my "friends" say I'm destined to be alone with my attitude and stuff.. So yes I'm prepared to be alone, I'm prepared to block people out and most of all I'm prepared to die alone. Why have company when you can't be yourself? When you've got to change to please other people? I change every time to please everyone but does anyone ever ask if I'm please? Or what? No..

Relationships,Friendships,Family ties they are all the same.. You can never trust anyone but yourself.. TRUST is a word not seen in my vocabulary very often as I've seen and also commit lies after being hurt and cheated many times.. I'm not going to play nice when people are not nice to begin with..

Thoughts

On weekends like this one can't help but ponder over things that have happened in the past and also wonder about how their future may be. On weekends like this I like to sit back and relax at the comfort of my own room.. But this week was a tough one.. I don't know what I should do or what I want with my life at this point. My love life is not going smoothly and studies equally as bad. Family whom everyone says is the best support you can get is not helping at all.. I feel like I'm stuck in a rut or quicksand which sucks me in the more I struggle to break free.. My mum thinks I'm not trying hard to graduate, my coursemates I don't know what they think but I'm embarassed for not being able to pull through even after so long.

Today I tried talking to someone that I had something with last time but it failed. I feel like I'm creating more distance than I'm trying to bridge the gap. I think that this is it. This is the end of the line and it may not work out anymore. I don't understand the difficulty of LDR as I believe that distance makes the heart grow fonder. But maybe I'm just being silly, maybe I'm just being naive thinking that these things may happen.. I'm tired of trying,tired of giving a damn about anything. Maybe I'm just tired putting a front for people to see everyday..

I close my eyes every night hoping that tomorrow will be a better day. I still do but as each day passes me by I grow weary and one day, just one day it might come true..

Dilemmas

I've recently made new friends again through another event.. However things may not be going smoothly as sometimes arguments start to breakout and also people are going around each other's back. I know that things may not be as it seem but I hope that all these drama will die down.

Thankful

Today has been a good day for me!! 1st of all I want to say thank you to God and also my friends who have prayed for me and made everything happen. I've been reinstated by my university to continue with my studies and finish whatever that I've got to do. The 2nd thing was the fact that I got to see someone I'm having a crush on I guess LOL!! Infatuation is such a funny thing XD The night went well as I continued the lucky streak by going to the karaoke center and sang my heart out.. Last but not least I won both rank matches of my LoL games =)

I'm heading to bed in hopes that when I wake up it'll be another great day.

A great day..

Today has been particularly fun as I was busy with some stuff.. Being able to take my mind of certain stuff really does make a lot of difference. Had fun helping my "mother" with her video recording by being the actor .. Met new friends again but somehow something always brings my mind back to you.. It has it's way of just coming up to the surface.. How was your day? Hope you had a great day.. Gotta sleep now.. Mid term is at 9 tomorrow..

Lonely Night

As I get home from a party I realize that I don't have anyone that I would call or come to my mind.. It's nights like this I wish that I was at home with my family.. However that thought would disappear as I think of what will happen when I get home.. I know I've got a great "family" in Kampar but I don't want to be a nuisance.. Everyone has their own life and I've got my own life.. A life on my own is what I would say.. Heading to bed may help ease this misery temporarily but as my eyes open tomorrow it will just be the beginning of another lonely day.

What is this feeling I'm having? It's so wrong but somehow it doesn't go away.. Have you guys ever felt this way? You know it will never work but you wish it will.. I'm still not sure but deep down I am praying it is true.. I guess it's just me being myself but something that little something inside my heart telling me that it might happen..

Something New

I guess a place for me to just write and post my thoughts would be great.. A lot has been going on and it's eating me from the inside.. Why do some of us put our self in these situations.. Is it habit? Is it in our nature? I    wonder at times why am I always in a rut or in a difficult position. Is it to my own doing?