Clarity

Listening to songs sometimes make me ponder and wonder if only life can be carried out so easily like the song lyrics.. Some songs talk about empowerment some about love some even about sorrow but how many of the songs are applicable? I've been through a roller coaster of emotions and songs do help lift spirits up but they don't always work..

Yesterday I finally had a talk about an issue that has been on my mind a long time.. It was clarified and even though it was not what I liked but I was thankful that things didn't go downhill.. I can't blame anyone but myself.. I was the fool to take things lightly and to not be serious when the time called for it.. Now I'm trying to make amends and hope that one day it will pay off.. I've got faith in this..

Like they say in the song.. If our love is insanity why are you my clarity..

Mid Autumn Festival

Happy Mid Autumn Festival everyone!! We don't have 4 seasons here but it's a celebration that everyone is eager to celebrate especially Chinese people.. Mooncakes,pomelos,tea,lanterns and candles appear in most of the places that people are celebrating the festival.. However in my family it is just another day no different than any other plain,boring and dull day. Mum is in the hall watching series, bro and sister doing their own thing and I'm alone in my room doing things like this. People always say things will be better or "you'll overcome it,you always do" or "this is not the worse" but do they actually know what is happening? No.. You don't because you've not lived my life for the past 20 years and you don't have my family.. I know the concern is there but telling that it will be ok will not work.

I smile,laugh,make stupid jokes and even join events just to fill up my time and take my mind off things that are hurtful to me. Like my "friends" say I'm destined to be alone with my attitude and stuff.. So yes I'm prepared to be alone, I'm prepared to block people out and most of all I'm prepared to die alone. Why have company when you can't be yourself? When you've got to change to please other people? I change every time to please everyone but does anyone ever ask if I'm please? Or what? No..

Relationships,Friendships,Family ties they are all the same.. You can never trust anyone but yourself.. TRUST is a word not seen in my vocabulary very often as I've seen and also commit lies after being hurt and cheated many times.. I'm not going to play nice when people are not nice to begin with..

Thoughts

On weekends like this one can't help but ponder over things that have happened in the past and also wonder about how their future may be. On weekends like this I like to sit back and relax at the comfort of my own room.. But this week was a tough one.. I don't know what I should do or what I want with my life at this point. My love life is not going smoothly and studies equally as bad. Family whom everyone says is the best support you can get is not helping at all.. I feel like I'm stuck in a rut or quicksand which sucks me in the more I struggle to break free.. My mum thinks I'm not trying hard to graduate, my coursemates I don't know what they think but I'm embarassed for not being able to pull through even after so long.

Today I tried talking to someone that I had something with last time but it failed. I feel like I'm creating more distance than I'm trying to bridge the gap. I think that this is it. This is the end of the line and it may not work out anymore. I don't understand the difficulty of LDR as I believe that distance makes the heart grow fonder. But maybe I'm just being silly, maybe I'm just being naive thinking that these things may happen.. I'm tired of trying,tired of giving a damn about anything. Maybe I'm just tired putting a front for people to see everyday..

I close my eyes every night hoping that tomorrow will be a better day. I still do but as each day passes me by I grow weary and one day, just one day it might come true..

Dilemmas

I've recently made new friends again through another event.. However things may not be going smoothly as sometimes arguments start to breakout and also people are going around each other's back. I know that things may not be as it seem but I hope that all these drama will die down.